I'm not, I'm a really shitty person. But I just—care about you. How can I not? Even if we aren't—I still care, okay? I never stopped caring. That doesn't make me good, it's just how I feel.
We're not... doing that because I'm a shitty asshole. So... um, what I mean is, caring about me in any capacity at all is... I dunno. Foolish, probably, but I'm selfish enough to be happy that you do. Kinda figured you'd never talk to me or look at me or even want to breathe the same air as me ever again so um.
[Jake rubs at his face.]
Caring about other people is just what you do though. I think. It does make you a good person.
We're not doing that because I'm a shitty asshole. Worse, I made you think it was your fault. Hating you forever was never on the table.
[He doesn't know what to do with his hands. He ends up holding one with the other.]
I don't really care about people in general, either. Like, I know what the right thing to do is, and I do it, but I don't feel it. Not the way you do. I don't get sad about people getting hurt unless it's people who matter to me personally. Which is basically just you and Rox and Jane.
[Most things, he'd rather not fight Dirk over anymore. But not that one. He doesn't want him thinking it was his fault.]
Even if you think you don't care, you do the right thing. You always talk about these political designs and how to make things better for everyone. You have all that knowledge about it and believe in it.
[It hurts, throat burning and tight. Stupid little comments Jake made to him over years and years and Dirk thinks Jake is the one with a heart, while he's, what? A robot? Because Jake said so. He shakes his head quickly, feeling his eyes sting.]
No, no you're— You're passionate and caring and you're so much more than me. You always have been. You've always actually cared. I'm sorry.
[God he should leave. He should do something to stop burdening Dirk like this but he doesn't know what.]
I know you think, um... you think you screwed up, so you feel like you should be kind to me, but... you shouldn't feel obligated like this while you're over there thinking you're... well, thinking like this, but you'd be better off if you...
[Pushing away used to be easier than this. Once he realised people really would leave him, though, well. He knows if he insists hard enough, Dirk will leave him alone. He tries to finish it but his throat hurts too much now to say it.]
[He's scared to be that firm. But he sees the path Jake is taking and he can't enable it, even if—he can't push what he thinks is right on Jake, that's the wrong thing. But at least he can be clear about this.]
I still think of you as a friend.
[He doesn't feel like he has any right to say it. But he makes himself.]
[His fingers flex and tremble, curling over his lap.]
You could find better friends. I mean, um... you were a mite isolated, you know. I was the only boy around to relate to you in that manner. I'm sure... you're going to find people to re—replace me in a second flat. You just have to warm up to them first.
I'm not replacing you. There's a lot about you that I like, Jake. You argue with me about movies, get in Strifes with me, genuinely extend your compassion over things, you try to support me when I don't believe in myself... You're a unique combination. That can't be replaced.
[Flush, he tries to make himself look away from that gaze. He should, because he can't bear how sweet and kind it feels, but he wants to have that gaze on him. He swallows and nods, his own voice quiet.]
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I'm not, I'm a really shitty person. But I just—care about you. How can I not? Even if we aren't—I still care, okay? I never stopped caring. That doesn't make me good, it's just how I feel.
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[Jake rubs at his face.]
Caring about other people is just what you do though. I think. It does make you a good person.
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[He doesn't know what to do with his hands. He ends up holding one with the other.]
I don't really care about people in general, either. Like, I know what the right thing to do is, and I do it, but I don't feel it. Not the way you do. I don't get sad about people getting hurt unless it's people who matter to me personally. Which is basically just you and Rox and Jane.
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[Most things, he'd rather not fight Dirk over anymore. But not that one. He doesn't want him thinking it was his fault.]
Even if you think you don't care, you do the right thing. You always talk about these political designs and how to make things better for everyone. You have all that knowledge about it and believe in it.
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I always thought that was really cool about you.
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No, no you're— You're passionate and caring and you're so much more than me. You always have been. You've always actually cared. I'm sorry.
[God he should leave. He should do something to stop burdening Dirk like this but he doesn't know what.]
I know you think, um... you think you screwed up, so you feel like you should be kind to me, but... you shouldn't feel obligated like this while you're over there thinking you're... well, thinking like this, but you'd be better off if you...
[Pushing away used to be easier than this. Once he realised people really would leave him, though, well. He knows if he insists hard enough, Dirk will leave him alone. He tries to finish it but his throat hurts too much now to say it.]
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[He's scared to be that firm. But he sees the path Jake is taking and he can't enable it, even if—he can't push what he thinks is right on Jake, that's the wrong thing. But at least he can be clear about this.]
I still think of you as a friend.
[He doesn't feel like he has any right to say it. But he makes himself.]
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Why?
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[Something else, too. But he keeps that to himself.]
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You could find better friends. I mean, um... you were a mite isolated, you know. I was the only boy around to relate to you in that manner. I'm sure... you're going to find people to re—replace me in a second flat. You just have to warm up to them first.
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[Quiet. But no less firm.]
I'm not replacing you. There's a lot about you that I like, Jake. You argue with me about movies, get in Strifes with me, genuinely extend your compassion over things, you try to support me when I don't believe in myself... You're a unique combination. That can't be replaced.
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...If you ever decide to, I'll understand.
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[Then quieter, unable to look at him:] I... don't want you to leave me behind.
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[He wants to hold Jake's hand. But he's scared to push him, to ask for more intimacy than Jake can handle.]
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[He tries to draw himself up, to bring his legs close, but he winces and stops that.]
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You—are you okay/
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I'm fine. Thanks, Dirk.
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[He knows it sounds like a platitude but he smiles, sincere as ever.]
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It's crazy how you really, sincerely mean that.
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Of course I mean it.