potentite | reverie

I don't think I do! In fact, it was always a point of contention between me and your glasses.

[After all, he always said it. He didn't want to speak to him. He wanted Dirk, the real one, his real best friend. Well. He guesses they probably aren't best friends anymore. He doesn't know if they're even friends anymore. Probably not and boy does his heart squeeze up at that, pushing something painful and tight in his throat. He swallows.]

...But maybe I'm wrong? I don't actually know myself very well. And there's a saying about all this, isn't there? Actions speak louder than words? Just because I thought I was doing good by you, well, it doesn't mean much when I wasn't. And I thought about it and... if I really cared, I would have treated you the way Roxy does, you know? And talked about you the way she does. I... I dunno. You always deserved better than how I was, that's for certain.

[He hesitates, then. He doesn't want to talk shit about Roxy. But the thing is, he sees both of them as they are. At least he thinks he does. He sees their flaws and their good parts.]

Roxy is like... one of the most selfless and awesome people we know, yeah, but... You didn't see any of our private conversations. It would have kind of sucked if you treated me how she sometimes did. [His hand tightens on his arm. It hurts to talk badly about them.] It's how I treated you, so it isn't like I had any right to complain. I wanted you to like me back, and you didn't, but I kept pushing you, and that was fucked up. I'm sorry.

[After hearing her talk about him, it's hard to imagine her as anything less than a perfect person to love him. But he can't really speak about anything private between them and it seems to upset Dirk to even mention it, so he decides not to ask. Instead he jumps to the last part.

Well, he told Roxy, didn't he? Compared to how she feels, his feelings seem so worthless. But despite that, when Dirk says it, it hurts, like being rejected, like Dirk doesn't understand, and he tenses, biting his lip to keep himself from saying something stupid.

So instead he tries to ask.]

Why... do you think I don't feel the same?

[He looks at Jake. A weird hopeful bubble builds up in his throat, and he swallows it.]

You... don't. Right? You only—you like girls only. Or maybe you just don't like me, that's cool. You didn't want to be around me, and I get that, that's okay. It was fucked up of me to keep pushing myself at you.

No, I...

[He frowns, shifting his weight before he sits on the bed. Standing was tiring him out enough without the heavy conversation. But even then, he's just stalling because he doesn't know what to say.]

I don't know if I can explain it well.

[He lingers, not wanting to press into Jake's space.]

I can try to listen.

[He rubs his arm, thinking. But in the end his words just come out without much thought behind them.]

I used to wonder what it would be like if we dated. Well, not just you. I thought about it for Jane and Roxy, too. Roxy is nice but, well, I couldn't see it working out. And Jane's not bad, either, but... Frankly, the idea made me uneasy. And then, one day, I don't remember why I thought it, I just thought, "Why does gender matter anyway?" So I thought about you. And... and I fancied it. I really did. But that made me feel...

[He stares at the floor, trailing off. He's trying to find a kinder way to say it.]

[He should focus on what Jake is trying to say. He can parse it, abstractly, in the back of his head. Jake liked him. Jake wanted him. Jake didn't know what to do with feeling a way for him that Hollywood doesn't share.

What Dirk blurts out instead was,]

Did you want to date me?

[Somehow being asked point blank flusters him and he fidgets with his hands in his lap as he nods.]

Jane, um, sweetheart that she is, when we talked about it and boy do I owe her an apology for that talk but um, anyhoo I said I thought it was inevitable that we — meaning you and me — would wind up dating and she said I shouldn't date you for only that reason, which is true! And it... wasn't the reason. I wanted to because... because I just felt... I just... I liked the idea.

[and now, for the most stupidly belated question of all time]

Do you like me? Like...like like me?

[He realizes why he's saying and presses a hand to his face.]

Oh my God I'm a fuckin' cliche.

[God, his skin feels hot and burning and not from the painkillers wearing off, either (thank God they aren't yet).]

I mean, um, I did say compared to Roxy, it feels like what I feel isn't... enough... but... [His voice becomes mumbled and shy.] I liked having you as my boyfriend. I'm sorry.

[His heart jumps.]

Why are you sorry?

Wait—Why don't you think it's enough?

Because it obviously wasn't a pleasant experience for you.

[Dating him, he means. And then he looks down at his lap, frowning.]

Roxy... did tell me, actually. About pestering you. That she loves you so deeply she couldn't contain it and hassled you almost everyday about it, because you're basically the one she wants! That just seeing you down makes her feel terrible. That she can even say those special words so easily about you and so meaningfully and I...

[Why does this hurt? Why he is so stupid?]

You both hold on so tight to what you love. And here's me, making a hasty retreat every time things get too intense. Whatever I feel, it's not good enough.

[There's the part of this that's about him. He doesn't know how to face that. For a moment, he sets it aside, because the other part, he knows what to do with.]

Behaviour or expression isn't necessarily the mark of true feeling. That's especially the case if someone has a hard time admitting things even to themselves.

[Even though it's hard to imagine it's true, he glances up.]

You really think so? You don't think I'm incapable of love?

I know you aren't. [It's so obvious to him. Jake is Jake.] Just because you don't show it the same way doesn't make it less.

It feels less.

[That's what it comes down to really. He's just not good enough and neither are his feelings.]

You aren't.

[He has no right to say this. He knows it. Still, he forces it out, makes himself say it, because Jake needs to hear it even if Dirk shouldn't be the one saying it.]

You care deeply and feel intensely. That opens you up to getting hurt, so you avoid them. The feelings are still there, though. You're just scared of them because you know better than any of us how you can lose who you love.

That's how I see it, anyway.

[His fingers curl over his thighs as he breathes in, slow and shallow.]

I... Yeah. It's... losing someone feels... It feels...

[After a moment he just shakes his head.]

Empty. And lonely. And cold.

[He doesn't want to intrude on this. So, in a low, quiet voice,]

Yeah.

[That sounds like feeling something to me.]

[He clears his throat, somewhat embarrassed.]

Um. Yeah. So... I wouldn't want you guys to know that feeling.

[It occurs to him, rather suddenly, that Dirk does now. Maybe not for the duration Jake did. But he mentioned how they must have been doomed. So, he saw him and Jane dead at least.]

I'm sorry. I didn't— I didn't want you to...

It wasn't your fault.

I'm still sorry you had to feel that.

We're both feeling it.

[Because the girls aren't here.]

Maybe they'll be along later.

[It's worth hoping so at least.]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject