reverie | inbox

[potentite]

Action Text Voice

Comments

[splinten]

We can ask for help.

[potentite]

I... [He bites his lip.] If you happen to find a doctor, well, that's fine. But don't go out of your way for it.

[splinten]

Why not? [A pause—painfully:] If you want me to stay out of your business, I get it, just—you're hurt.

[potentite]

[He stares, frowning.] What? No, no— I— I just don't... want to bother you.

[splinten]

[It's such an impossible idea.]

It isn't a bother, Jake. [He swallows, and carefully says,] I care about you.

[potentite]

[His heart jumps so fast, so hard, that it almost dizzies him.]

I— All right.

[splinten]

[It's okay? It's okay. Jake seems to be saying it's okay.

Is it okay?]

Okay.

Okay, cool.

[potentite]

[Now he has no idea what to do though. He rubs his arm, looking down.]

Yeah, um... Thanks.

[splinten]

[He pauses.

Blurted out:]

Sorry for breaking up for you like that it was really shitty of me.

[potentite]

[He jumps, a little surprised. But then he focuses on refuting it.]

I— No, no, I was pressuring you and belittling you and it was— It was quite a deserved outburst.

[splinten]

You were high, because of crazy magic lollipops. That wasn't cool of me to have it out on you.

[potentite]

I suppose that may have been the case, but... Not like I treated you that much differently than usual.

[splinten]

[...]

It was pretty differently. It was notably differently.

[potentite]

I mean, I know what you mean but I didn't mean the actions of it. I meant...

[He struggles to find the words to explain it properly, worrying his bottom lip in thought.]

I wasn't treating you like a person. Which is how I often am with you.

[splinten]

[I'm not a robot. Dirk stares at Jake behind his shades, reflexively gripping his arm. He squeezes it tight.]

How... do you mean you're often like that, with me?

[potentite]

Isn't it how I've made you feel? You said so yourself.

[splinten]

[God. The shit he says. It has all the stinging regret of being drunk and none of the actual excuse of drunkenness.]

Sometimes, yeah, but... I figured you didn't actually feel that way.

[potentite]

I don't think I do! In fact, it was always a point of contention between me and your glasses.

[After all, he always said it. He didn't want to speak to him. He wanted Dirk, the real one, his real best friend. Well. He guesses they probably aren't best friends anymore. He doesn't know if they're even friends anymore. Probably not and boy does his heart squeeze up at that, pushing something painful and tight in his throat. He swallows.]

...But maybe I'm wrong? I don't actually know myself very well. And there's a saying about all this, isn't there? Actions speak louder than words? Just because I thought I was doing good by you, well, it doesn't mean much when I wasn't. And I thought about it and... if I really cared, I would have treated you the way Roxy does, you know? And talked about you the way she does. I... I dunno. You always deserved better than how I was, that's for certain.

[splinten]

[He hesitates, then. He doesn't want to talk shit about Roxy. But the thing is, he sees both of them as they are. At least he thinks he does. He sees their flaws and their good parts.]

Roxy is like... one of the most selfless and awesome people we know, yeah, but... You didn't see any of our private conversations. It would have kind of sucked if you treated me how she sometimes did. [His hand tightens on his arm. It hurts to talk badly about them.] It's how I treated you, so it isn't like I had any right to complain. I wanted you to like me back, and you didn't, but I kept pushing you, and that was fucked up. I'm sorry.

[potentite]

[After hearing her talk about him, it's hard to imagine her as anything less than a perfect person to love him. But he can't really speak about anything private between them and it seems to upset Dirk to even mention it, so he decides not to ask. Instead he jumps to the last part.

Well, he told Roxy, didn't he? Compared to how she feels, his feelings seem so worthless. But despite that, when Dirk says it, it hurts, like being rejected, like Dirk doesn't understand, and he tenses, biting his lip to keep himself from saying something stupid.

So instead he tries to ask.]

Why... do you think I don't feel the same?

[splinten]

[He looks at Jake. A weird hopeful bubble builds up in his throat, and he swallows it.]

You... don't. Right? You only—you like girls only. Or maybe you just don't like me, that's cool. You didn't want to be around me, and I get that, that's okay. It was fucked up of me to keep pushing myself at you.

[potentite]

No, I...

[He frowns, shifting his weight before he sits on the bed. Standing was tiring him out enough without the heavy conversation. But even then, he's just stalling because he doesn't know what to say.]

I don't know if I can explain it well.

[splinten]

[He lingers, not wanting to press into Jake's space.]

I can try to listen.

[potentite]

[He rubs his arm, thinking. But in the end his words just come out without much thought behind them.]

I used to wonder what it would be like if we dated. Well, not just you. I thought about it for Jane and Roxy, too. Roxy is nice but, well, I couldn't see it working out. And Jane's not bad, either, but... Frankly, the idea made me uneasy. And then, one day, I don't remember why I thought it, I just thought, "Why does gender matter anyway?" So I thought about you. And... and I fancied it. I really did. But that made me feel...

[He stares at the floor, trailing off. He's trying to find a kinder way to say it.]

[splinten]

[He should focus on what Jake is trying to say. He can parse it, abstractly, in the back of his head. Jake liked him. Jake wanted him. Jake didn't know what to do with feeling a way for him that Hollywood doesn't share.

What Dirk blurts out instead was,]

Did you want to date me?